Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn. Ever watched how the Brooklyn bridge was built? Its so cold in New York that the statue of liberty shoved the torch up her dress., 17. Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. Half of them say fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget. Thats sick! Dana Gould. I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. Turns out the truth was hidden in train sight. Wait, how is that not an even number?, 32. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38. A trip to NYC can be very taxi-ng on your wallet. There's so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. My love life is terrible. Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. 25. How you livin? Tiny Fey, I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin. Kidding and welcome to my snazzy little blog. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? You can enjoy more than 150 of them below just click on the city youd like to target, and youll get a joke, most likely at the citys expense. What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? Because thats where the mini apple is! Evian is gross! Michael Che, I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. 9. Dont pee on that., 72. Lots of jokes. 98. Now its high time to bring you the best jokes about our fair city. 4. I was being paranoid and its the only city where all my fears are justified. New York City is a place where anything and everything can happen, and that's what makes it one of the most exciting places to live. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year. I love this city; its a great city. Just because he asked them one simple question: "Heard any good jokes lately?" Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. The streets are numbered! For five days starting on Monday, October 8, were asking you to tweet your best jokes about a specific borough with the hashtag #borobash. Here are the best jokes , and at the end, the winners. Love a good play on words? And they are all true! Just gonna take my horse to the Old Town Bar. Not true. So, yeah. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David Letterman, New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. David Letterman, I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Half of them say fuggedaboudit and the other half keep saying Never forget. I think all you need is a face. A visitor. I love this city; its a great city. 26. Statin island. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. 55. You are signed up for our newsletter! Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. Or hurricanes., This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. NYC is a great place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways to die here. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train. Craig Baldo, All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. My uncle ten years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now hes a wino living in Central Park. Its because New York sucks. Itll be a great place if they ever finish it., 56. After all, the pandemic of doom has thrown us all for a wicked awful loop that we need at least a brief respite from. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right., 97. Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. 60. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. Bookworms. Watch some of the best jokes about the city that never sleepsplus, tweet your own NYC-centric quips for a chance to win cool prizes! And thats tough. The other frightens birds and small animals. See more ideas about upstate ny, upstate, bones funny. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. Emo Philips, There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother, What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines., 57. I have to for health reasons. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. So I have to do it now. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes, then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you carnival-faced motherfucker. Hannibal Buress, Fuck you, and fuck the Yankees! Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. How hard would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? Its like I paid a guy. She is from another country. Bus Metro Walk. Bookworms. Racist topics make me nervous. When I was in NYC, a black man asked if the Yankees had won. 34. Empire State Building? While NYC is great, it can be frustrating at times. Now theres a store that just sells mayonnaise It is probably the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen. 99. Im like, Cat noise? Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. 100. Start making someones day by giving them a good laugh. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? 15. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. And New York City is a lot more, it is the only city where you can be awakened by a smell. And if you found this post useful, be sure to join our email list before pinning this post now so that you can read it again later! 1. 107. Like, I asked my friend, I said, Man, whats a good building? He said, A good building, you got a doorman. New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train., 79. Truth be told though, Ive never traveled without travel insurance and dont think you should either especialy since I think weve all had plans drastically change because of the pandemic. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. Because while New York City is amazing, its definitely not perfect. De-stress with these jokes. I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. Alabama! Thats not my area up there!' Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a32ddda03a3495616beb7beee82b25c4" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. Tire-less. What do hookers, Wall Street brokers, actors, tourists, rock stars, priests, drug dealers, fashion models, tourists, bartenders, old ladies, newlyweds, and divorce attorneys have in common? He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. Hes driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional. Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. Living in New York can be challenging at times and its not that easy for everyone. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. My lips are sealed, bro. Where do New York chefs get their broth? Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. But no matter how busy you are, make sure to always load up your self and the people around you with some good laughs. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? My lips are sealed, bro. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. 90. I was driving in Manhattan. Please add a link to this article. I always get bored when Im driving, and when I get bored, I go on the internet on my Blackberry. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. Wish Id known that before I risked my life. You feel sorryfor the dog. New Yorkie. Trump was like, 'That's why I live on the 58th floor.'" -Jimmy Fallon "In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. The cab flies into the air and starts breaking apart as the cabbie prays for his life. [New York] is all sex and violence. When a blonde moves from New Jersey to New York, what happens? Now I live in New York, and Im psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. 73. Eleven up and one over, you simple bitch. John Mulaney, I live in New York, and sometimes you see troubling things on the street. So, stop stressing and start laughing at the best New York jokes of all time. What is the best way to get from Boston to NYC? 5. Today, we give you jokes about those cities. That front-wheel drive is crucial when it starts to snow on Rodeo Drive. Christopher Guest, Thank God were back in Hollywood. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. 23. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67. When it airs Saturday at 10 p.m. I love to take the wife and kids, but its also near a sketchy neighborhood. Our newsletter hand-delivers the best bits to your inbox. 6. Two Towers. Staten Island really floats my boat. Lets go west. Richard Jeni, In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. Richard Jeni, I was in New York last Christmas its snowing; theres a guy in a T-shirt. My health led me to move to New York City. Where's the best place to charge your phone in NYC? A single tower fell in Paris., 107. Required fields are marked *. And most of those mysteries remain unsolved., 25. Well here are things that you should learn and can joke about the locals. I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight Two Towers. It was like, You pulled it off. 37. Thats what New York Citys done to me. 58. . No, shes too fat and disgusting. All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space., 36. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? The guy was very rude. Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. Everyone is always yelling, getting a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy. Moo York. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. $27.99. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhood and then ran into you. It always looks better when the Orangemen are on paper., 108. If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green. Everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right., 97 is a lot more, it is probably most... 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