making sure your spouse is okay with big decisions that affect both of you isnt that unreasonable. I agree in principle, but I think its easy for certain couples with significant shared responsibilities to fall into the language of permission, and its not always a red flag. THIS. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. I wish you the best. Its a constant negotiation and balancing act. Thats an unreasonable stance. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation I would imagine thats what happens in Vegas for a great many solo work travelers. Maybe Im wrong. In many cities, there are few or no options to indulge in these vices, certainly not legally! My spouse also has some anxiety issues, and will develop obsessive worries about certain irrational things. Hopefully this question to AAM will lead in the direction of help. Get yourself some counseling, with or without your husband (and explore whether or not this is the type of relationship that is healthy for you to continue to be in). I hope youll get the chance to play some poker while youre there. [He loves playing poker but seldom gets to play, as Im not a fan of the game.]. Period. I meet family from California. I have anxiety, and so does my husband and this isnt really an anxiety reaction, but a control issue. I read books. Spend the whole day 10+ hours (for me) at the Bath House in Mandalay Bay. Marriage counselling is categorically not recommended if there is abuse. ), but she saw danger everywhere. Me doing anything outside of our normal routine puts an additional child care burden on her, and vice versa. Rape! I question who he was talking to that would say they wouldnt let their spouses go. Ideally, you and your husband would support each other in your careers, not have babyish meltdowns. My in-laws (who I no longer speak to) freaked out when my wife and I got our current apartment because they found out it was across the street from the best Mexican restaurant in our city. OPs husband sounds like my mom. Group Black's collective includes Essence, The Shade Room and Naturally Curly. The place is set up for meetings and conferences, has so many airline and flight options, plenty of cabs/Lyfts/Ubers, and staff at the facilities has run into every possible issue that can crop up. We went to the Grand Canyon, went ziplining in the mountains and had a great without ever stepping in a casino. OMG! If so, maybe its just a weird fixationbut if he often has nervous, fearful, or otherwise disproportionate reactions to things, it might be worth seeing if he can get some help with that. Omg that sounds so much like my mom. What the hell? At this rate, Im going to be too afraid to leave the house until spring, and thats not acceptable. They have PUDDING, OP. At some level, I doubt he even realizes at this point whats going on. Ive never been on these more dangerous trips, though I almost had to travel to Congo last year (it ended up falling through). There are people just, everywhere, even at 2 am. Just like someone might look for a spouse who is athletic or smart or has a certain sense of humor or earning power, it might be important that FutureSpouse has the skills to share a household with the in-laws. The base issues came out to be general worrying about me travelling by myself (tons of catastrophic what if scenarios) and FOMO (shes having such a great time without me). We also were both active-duty for the first couple years we were together. And there, the answer is clear: you have to go. A Group Leader is a What to Expect community member who has been selected by our staff to help maintain a positive, supportive tone within a group. So I understand, at some level, where the husband is coming from when he thinks about these horrible things happening to his spouse. It comes across as so controlling. That I was RIGHT! I would bet money he didnt tell everyone else the same story he told me. You could walk up to the bar to order a drink and tell that person you need some assistance and they are on it in seconds. Yeah, my husband takes business trips to Vegas multiple times a year. So thank you for the comments. Telling your partner that you really need to focus on work for three days should not be a big deal (barring really big exacerbating circumstancesI need to focus on work, so Im skipping your mothers funeral, have fun! would be much more fraught, of course). I say this as an anxiety disorder sufferer who becomes excessively worried when my partner travels for work, but of course I support him regardless of the fact that its stressful for me m y anxiety is on me to manage in a healthy way. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. Sorry not sorry. We arent gamblers either. She takes trips with friends, or solo, a few times a year. I think some boundaries are needed here. I dont know about gambling but partying? I need you to stop doing that. (Im also concerned that hes collecting votes from his friends about whether to allow you to golike, wow, not only does he not trust you to make a decision, hes giving you a whole list of people who he apparently trusts more than you?) Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. Give yourself at least 45 min for each stop: time to change a diaper, feed, go to the restroom, maybe change a second diaper before you get back on the road. And there is plenty to do besides gamble. Yeah, I sometimes hear about people who really want a job with a lot of work travel, or people who think being a flight attendant would be really glamorous, and Im just like meh. He may make it seem like you are choosing your career over your marriage, which of course causes you to feel guilty, but as my good friend said recently youre not choosing your career over him, youre choosing yourself over him. Im trying to take that advice to heart OP, hope you can too! If something was going to happen to you, it could be anywhere. For the OP, thats the problem here. Or leave? I hope you can get some work done despite your husbands interference while you are gone. Couples counseling has given us a neutral forum to figure out how to face it together, to help me express how his behavior effects me and our family, and for me to learn how to support him. People are able to manipulate their therapists, and there are also just plain bad therapists: what if the OPs husband is in therapy already with, for example, a religious provider who reinforces his moralistic fears about Vegas? Possibly the same people who dont think they should ever be in a one-on-one meeting or dinner with a co-worker of the opposite sex. Or I can save you the time and point out that I characterized him as jealous and controlling, and never used the word yall seem determined to stick in my mouth. His income was mostly for his own frivolous purchases, my job paid the rent and most of the utilities (he paid his own phone bill and bitched about it nonstop). Its just worth knowing that having a long list of good traits doesnt mean you arent in a problematic relationship, or that you cant choose nope for your own emotional health. Agree with the high level of security even on the streets. Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. Nobody ever said I wont let you go on that trip, but it certainly wouldnt have ended well if they had. For heavent sake dont say it to him; dont want to give him any ideas. Do I Have to Travel with Husband to Visit In-laws? - Mamapedia Actually those are not the only two choices. At work? I also worry about my spouse traveling without me. I used to travel 3 weeks out of the month from Wed-Sun for work and often traveled by myself to large cities as well as smaller locations and never felt unsafe. Rooms were kinda cheap, and Im sure the convention center was cheap. But we should really just be taking OPs word for it that the issue she outlined is the issue there is. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? Ive traveled to all kinds of interesting destinations where Ive only seen the inside of the airport and conference rooms. My husband was very upset. Flights and hotels are cheap, because of the focus on tourists everything is really convenient for travelers, the food is good, there are great conference facilities. Like AAM said it is mostly conference rooms and exhaustion afterword. Something tells me that his unofficial polling of his friends went something like this: Husband: Oh my god, can you believe the irresponsible way in which my wifes employer is taking them on a conference to Vegas. I hope you find a guy who does that for you. I firmly believe in the dont be a dipshit rule of travel, and it has served me well. This is WAAAY different than not having a closed door meeting with a member of the opposite sex, though. Ive often done a straw poll of my married friends to get a sense of whether something that was bugging me was a real issue or just a personal hang-up. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! I get heated at the principle of spouses letting each other do things. Youre obviously free to disagree, but I think its archaic and not okay. They figure the guys didnt want any young white foreigners getting caught up in some kind of scuffle but still Dont start trouble, you wont get trouble! However, its crucial that he recognizes his behavior as a problem and is committed to fixing it. The kind of overwhelming, intrusive anxiety postulated here is still a control issue, 100%. I shut that down fast by reminding her I was working an evening shift that ended at 11 PM. Ill wait. Maybe he's had a long day at work and just wants to relax at home, or maybe he's not feeling well. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for the night along the way. And the entertainment options are essentially endless. He definitely is the one that needs the work, but ideally I would think they should have both couples sessions and individual sessions for him. Dont engage with his arguments. Im good at what I do and I dont want to be made to feel bad because of it. Leave your spouse for a week of leisure travel, wrong? Go. My SO and I ate there in 2013, and he STILL sighs and says, That was a good burger, whenever Las Vegas is mentioned. Sometimes, well even travel to the same city together, but then spit up and hang out with two completely separate groups of friends. Does he realize people, like, live in Las Vegas and have perfectly normal lives? Just because some of the people in that culture are ok with it doesnt mean its magically not controlling behavior because its culture/religion. Because this thing where he insults the moral character of his beloved wife based on the fact that she needs to travel for work? I'm scheduled for a c-section on September 21st and although it's not that far away, it's definitely not as close as I would like it to be. I trusted him, he was fine. A week? I wonder if OPs husband has watched too much CSI? Is this a relationship problem that could be remedied with counseling? husband doesn t want to go on family vacation The kidnaps, cheating, etc etc that COULD happen in Vegas (with about as much chance as being struck by lightning) are all just scare tactics to convince YOU to stay home and desire his protection from the big, bad world. And when she called home she was mean to me and I noticed she fixed her hair differently and she looked very happy. He was already in counselling and they focused on this issue for a while. Abuse isnt as uncommon as you think it is. my husband has his guy trip (fishing) this year i took a weekend with my mom. But where I was from, the vast majority of the people in the regionhundreds of thousands, not just a handfulaccepted these beliefs as reasonable. When I was fretting over whether to pursue a fantastic opportunity that would require a good amount of travel, he told me, Youve worked too hard to get where you are to not take ANY opportunity you want to take. And he means it. Expect it to hurt, though, and to feel guilty over it. Hes gotten better over time, but he still guilt-trips me before I leave and makes sad noises about how he misses me so much and we never spend enough time together. My legs were killing me and I my throat was sore :(! Just dont! as a 1000 decibel chorus of YES! Its either anxiety or abuse, or both, or neither; and none of those things address the husbands *behaviour* or the OPs next steps. You obviously know this, and you know that your husband is being unreasonable, but your framing Do I do this to save my marriage? worries me, because it signals that you are in some sense accustomed to, or willing to seriously consider, accommodating your husbands irrational demands instead of advocating for your own needs. OP, I believe that professional help figuring out what exactly is going on (including ruling in or ruling out a medical cause like primary anxiety or OCD) and getting professional treatment based on that, is the best first step for you here. Work trips tend to not be fun because you spend the whole time WORKING and have no time to go out and have fun. Be very very wary of ever harming your career or earning potential because of the desires of another person. Thats fine! She has thus far missed out on several family gatherings and her best friends wedding, because her husband could not get off time to go. This is definitely a sign of relationship problems and is not normal. This is about control. It has beautiful trails just minutes outside the city. Hes worrying that someone might hurt her, too. Exactly. I think that there can be a tendency in intimate relationships to prioritize keeping the peace, and emphasizing why thats a bad idea here and confirming that giving into the husbands demands and not going on the trip should be off the table is valuable coming from someone who gives advice about workplace stuff. Its just a normal American city that happens to have the nations most vast square footage of conference hall space and some of its cheapest business-class hotels. Im so glad to see this response here. I agree. Think of it this way if you give in on this to avoid conflict, what will be next? Id also check out books such as When Panic Attacks and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living Life. Who thinks its normal to ask around if he should let his wife go on a business trip, etc. My husband nearly had to go to Vegas for a conference a couple of months ago (were in the UK so its pretty far!) Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. Your company wouldnt put you in harms way, and your husband should trust you enough to no cheat or do something vegasy. I had no other work pending and a ton of free time, so what did I do? LOL! Even emphasizing the point, like even they said theyd let their spouses go to Las Vegas. In either case, I should have ended it. Same. The whole letting her go thing could be controlling or abusive, but it could also refer less to physical ability to go there and more not letting her go in peace, or without a bunch of needy whining adult tantrums. I usually find that veiled anxiety/fear of minorities is at the root of cities are dangerous and scary and you must never go out after dark fears, but rarely is it veiled so thinly. hahaha, further confirmation of your choice. Context does not change would into wouldnt. If youre seeing these things and thinking anything like I cant say that, he would freak outmarriage counseling, please. You don't have to fake excitement about every little . Very true, which is why I separated the two as control/abuse; theyre not necessarily part of the same package. My company had an annual meeting in Vegas a few years ago, that I wasnt important enough to attend, and I was crazy jealous. Note however, I dont think this excuses the employees OR means that its wrong to have a corporate event in Vegas. OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. You (and a therapist) would know better. OP, I saw one of your responses saying your husband is otherwise kind. And thats Congo. If this is more an inexperience thing, it still needs to stop but I think it is less worrying than control/abuse issues. He made her upset the entire trip last time. I have a friend that refuses to go to Vegas because he believes its the modern Sodom and Gomorrah. You feel this way, youre affected in this way, you would like to see this happen, and so on. I dont gamble and am not much of a drinker/partier and I thought Vegas was great! In addition to bolstering his position in our argument it had the nice (for him) side effect of alienating me from all of my friends who I believed were talking crap about me behind my back. On every occasion, he made rules like I could never go anywhere alone and I had to call him at a specific time every day. Many of my colleagues bring their spouse on conferences as a mini vacay for the fun of exploring new cities. That would be buying in to his controlling behavior and it would be a bad move for their relationship. As sinful as it gets, I tell ya! I worry about things constantly. But regardless, he needs to respect the demands of her job and treat her like an adult. Did he not get the memo thats not how dating works. I read letters like this, and I realize how fortunate both my husband and I are, because its got to be miserable to live with this level of mistrust and anxiety. Heres to many years of not feeling needless guilt. They are for sure marketing themselves as a place you can party it up (and you certainly can do that) but again, thats not unwholesome in and of itself. I also have a lot of real/not real conversations in my own head. I second Alisons advice that marital counseling is needed. Nah this isnt about irrational fears on his part, its about control. Just recently I have found out I will be sent out again. That didnt make me feel better for the Letter Writer. Thank you so much for your response! They have to want to change. Obviously we will have to stop every few hours to feed her. I agree with Alison here. My wife and I have two young kids. I thought I was the problem, and he was kind and honorable and funny and thoughtful. It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. Bigger point being ITS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS and not their place to weigh in. Long-term meds may not be right, and often take time to work out, but theres several near-instant calming agents available and they could be the best place to start if the Vegas trip is coming up soon. The gambling and drinking are pretty easy to not participate in if you dont want to. Depending on your husband's interests and how often you plan to visit the parks, there may be a pass that suits his needs. Good luck, Emma. Ill throw this out too just in case. Be ready to beg, borrow, steal to brainwash your partner to start traveling with you. Very few of these trips ends up involving much fun at all. Especially your point about this not being an issue of sides.. It took getting out (and lots of tears, letting some of the love-roots pull out from my heart with time and distance, and lots of therapy) to realize that he really was some of those things and others he wasnt, but it was irrelevant because he was still hurting me. Husband needs to chill, big time. Its just as likely that hes just jealous and controlling, like every other sap who clamps down on his partners autonomy. Okay, I've been chewing on this for a few weeks. OP, I agree with the prior commenter who asked about your husbands travel experience. It sounds like he may possibly have an anxiety disorder of some type. Might need to go back. And the shopping! At first I was shocked, but that was only due to the misconceptions about that place. This is a great comment. This may be the one city where you are on camera every second. I really dont care if you pitch a fit. Then disengage. And have been wanting to take the Grand Canyon tour. I care about your son's emotional health, the emotional damage he will suffer, when this emotional abuser of an ex tells his lies about you. Or that he heard more agreement than was really being given by his friends? And not for couples counselling, either she needs to work on strategies to deal with him. Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. I said this above, but I read this phrase as his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. Absence doesnt make the heart grow fonder, it ruins relationships and I am 3 decades in. Far from it I want to underline that couples counseling shouldnt be taken as being only for us problems, and that couples counseling can be very effective for problems that rest entirely in one persons lap. Feel free to point out where I did that. Perhaps Allison can clarify and correct if needed? The only thing I dont like about this suggestion is the implication that OPs husband can supervise her to make sure shes not cheating. or is it not? My point was, shes hearing about friends opinions second-hand. So, hell have to ban the East Coast, too. If he refuses because everyone who goes to Vegas becomes adulterous instantly and HE doesnt want that to happen to HIM then you have a completely different issue from he refuses to let her go at all because He Said So.

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